


They're Not Telling Us This

by theweddingofthefoxes



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Flu, Illness, M/M, Modern AU, Mutual Pining, conspiracy theories that are A Bit Wild, descriptions of coming, podcast shenanigans, spontaneous sexy times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-05-05 03:52:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14608695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweddingofthefoxes/pseuds/theweddingofthefoxes
Summary: Grad student Hux starts listening to a conspiracy theory podcast that drives him completely bonkers -- and he's so argumentative that he absolutely has to start emailing the host, Kylo Ren, about how wrong he is. The fans start enjoying Kylo Ren reading Hux's angry emails on the podcast, and they arrange for Hux to come meet the host himself. There is no possible way that they could see anything they like in one another. Right?





	1. Chapter 1

Phasma had sent Hux the link to They're Not Telling Us This: The Podcast over Facebook Messenger, which means that this whole mess was entirely her fault. He told her specifically he was trying to avoid distractions, so what does she do? 

_This is going to make your blood boil. (Enjoy.)_

Which part, though? The fact that the most recently uploaded episode of this podcast was called "Elvis: The Real JFK Assassin?", the fact that this was the 43rd episode (and it was a weekly show, so the fucker who ran it had been up to this insanity for nearly a year), or the fact that it had nearly _forty thousand_ subscribers? 

Hux tapped on the episode description for the new episode.

_In the fall of 1963, Elvis Presley had just finished filming_ Viva Las Vegas _, his most successful film of all time. But was the King also the executioner -- the killer of PRESIDENT KENNEDY? Join me as I discuss the reasons Elvis could have been the assassin no one expected -- and the reasons that the government disposed of him after he threatened to reveal the truth -- on this episode of They're Not Telling Us This._

"Oh, my God," Hux said out loud, before he could stop himself -- luckily, it seemed like no one in the busy coffee shop where he was working on his Foundations of Rhetoric paper had noticed. He backed up so he could see the names of the other episodes. "Cavemen: The Actual Ancient Aliens?" was one. Another was "Did Sasquatch Turn Ted Bundy Into A Serial Killer?".

It was so stupid, he absolutely had to hear it for himself (and surely that was what Phasma had been counting on). So Hux fished his earbuds out of his pocket-- god forbid the other people at Starbucks heard this blasting over the calls of the baristas and the whir of the espresso machine -- and went back to the assassin Elvis episode. 

The very first surprise came within the first fifteen seconds. The host -- this had to be a made-up name, Kylo Ren? -- had a pleasant, low voice that sounded like a bell being struck, he'd give him that. The second surprise was in what the guy actually said. 

"Hey, everyone, today's episode is sponsored by QuickDin, the easy meal delivery kit for the modern day. I'm always so busy doing research and talking to people on message boards, and as we all know, they put mind control serum in ketchup at fast food restaurants, so I'm not hitting the drive-thru anytime soon. So QuickDin makes things a lot easier, especially because it's seriously so simple..."

Sponsors. This guy had _sponsors_? Businesses were willing to put their names on a show where a guy claimed that Bronies were agents of the shadow government?

Hux hadn't really meant to listen to the whole episode. He had come to Starbucks to just buckle down and finally get this paper behind him. He was eight pages and two Americanos down, and a couple more hours should do it. But before he knew it, he had finished the whole damn thing, and then the podcast player app took him straight to Episode 42: "Are White House Interns Being Turned Into Werewolves?"

By the time _that_ episode had finished, Hux had abandoned any pretense of finishing up his paper. Instead, he had been taking notes in an email draft on everything he thought he could argue with, which was. Well. Just about everything. Deep down, Hux knew it was a stupid idea to get this thorough about making his opinion known -- this host wasn't going to close up shop just because he got an email about how inaccurate he was, especially since he must get plenty of those. But trying to not respond to this was like trying to not scratch a bug bite, like trying to hold in a sneeze. Besides, Hux figured as he worked on what was quickly becoming a manifesto, this podcast was free to listen to and therefore free to critique. Anyone who wanted to put such moronic ideas out there had to deal with the fact it would get a response.

The amount of caffeine that was in Hux's system probably had something to do with the intensity of Hux's response to those two episodes he'd listened to. That, and the fact that grad students would do pretty much anything to get a distraction from finishing a paper. 

By the time early evening rolled around, Hux had crafted an email that contained no fewer than sixteen links and no fewer than eight expletives. He was stiff and pain shot up his back when he finally stood to go get a cup of ice water. But there was something indescribably satisfying about copying Kylo Ren's email address from his website, pasting it into the recipient box, and hitting send.

So much for avoiding distractions, Hux thought, finally calling it quits and stuffing his laptop back into his messenger bag. Well, there was always tomorrow, the paper wasn't due until Wednesday...

Doubling down on the paper, meeting with a professor about a seminar he wanted to add to his schedule for the next semester, taking his younger brother out to dinner and to buy some new clothes, and trying to find sleep somewhere all in the mix took up most of Hux's attention for the rest of the week. For all of the vinegar he'd poured into the email, he forgot about it entirely until the following Saturday, when he woke to find that his podcast player app had updated with They're Not Telling Us This: The Podcast, Episode 44, "How Many Vampires Did Marilyn Monroe Have Affairs With?". He must have tapped a button accidentally back at Starbucks to add it to his rotation of followed shows. That made him a _subscriber_. Eugh.

Well, he might as well listen to this week's ridiculousness, right? Hux propped his phone up on the dresser as he began to dress for the day. He'd have to get to the grocery store at some point, and maybe he'd go for a bike ride. 

The ad this week was for Super Tuff Headphones ("The apocalypse could be starting outside your window and you wouldn't even hear it -- so I guess it's my fault if you don't make it to the bunker..."), but instead of launching right into Marilyn and her undead suitors after reading it, Kylo Ren had something else to say.

"So before I get started today -- and I know a lot of you really wanted this one, I know you've been asking me about it, I found a lot of really cool evidence in my research, believe me -- thanks to AlienBoy70 on Twitter for those pictures of Marilyn with fangs, by the way -- anyway, before I get into all of that, I thought I would read some fan mail I got last week from a new listener who's, uh, quite impassioned about what I do here on the podcast. His name's Armitage."

Hux choked on his own spit, yanking the shirt that he was putting on down so fast that it was a miracle he didn't tear it off like Hulk Hogan.

"And Armitage listened to the last couple episodes and sent me a letter, so I thought I'd share it now-- he put a lot of work into this, guys." Kylo Ren cleared his throat dramatically, and then some stock classical music started to play in the background as the words that Hux had written in a fit of fury at that Starbucks floated back out of his phone.

" _Is it worse that you spent this much time discussing these completely baseless theories or that I spent this much time listening to them? Either way, this podcast is the ultimate black hole of wasted time and terrible ideas. Seriously, you skipped all of the almost plausible John F. Kennedy ideas and went for Elvis?_ " Kylo Ren laughed. "Friend! That's just what they want you to think -- all this Lee Harvey Oswald shit, that's exactly what the government is hoping you'd say. But maybe if you'd spent more time listening and less time bitching, you'd have heard me say that last week. Okay, where was I?"

And so it went with the _entire_ rest of Hux's email. This was clearly a lot of fun for Kylo Ren, and that was a problem mostly because Hux could not ever, not in a million years, resist wedging in another rebuttal. And every time Kylo Ren interrupted himself to make some snide comment, Hux only became more determined to argue some more. By the time Kylo Ren got to the vampires, Hux was back at his computer, typing so loudly that it could probably be heard from space.

"Armie?"

Techie was standing in the doorframe, looking more than a little disturbed. Hux didn't say anything, but he gave himself a break from his second email to lend his little brother his ear. "I can hear you grinding your teeth, Armie," Techie said. "Even over this--are you listening to They're Not Telling Us This?"

"Wait, you know this?"

"A lot of the guys in my philosophy class listen to it," Techie answered with a shrug. "I didn't think you would -- is this why you're like, chewing on nothing? Do you want your mouth guard?"

"No, I don't want my mouth guard. I want this guy to stop pissing me off." Hux realized he was snarling at Techie, and he dialed his tone back from anger to grouchiness. "Phasma showed me the podcast earlier this week, and it's just -- how can anyone listen to it?"

"Well. You're listening to it right now," Techie pointed out, in the spot-on way that little brothers always seem to do.

Hux felt his teeth grinding again, and in his head it sounded like a shitty old SUV hitting the brakes. Techie flashed a grin before disappearing back down the hallway, and Hux turned back to his laptop screen, one tab showing his Gmail and four others showing biographical information about Marilyn Monroe. Well, if this asshole was going to read his letters on the air, he might as well really write something worth reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux starts examining why he's so invested in arguing with They're Not Telling Us This in the first place - and gets a surprising email from Kylo Ren.

By the time Saturday came around again, Hux was ready. He'd bookmarked about a thousand conspiracy-debunker websites, podcasts and YouTube videos. He'd listened to the backlog between students at the writing center where he worked as a tutor for the undergrads -- turning it off when Techie would come in to say hello and sometimes bring him a cup of that watery off-brand coffee that was served in the little canteen down the hall. "You're more obsessed with this show than he is," Techie noted, glancing at the paused screen on Hux's phone. "They're going to start playing ads just for you."

"He made me sound like a jackass," Hux groused. 

"No, you did that on your own when you wrote it. He just read it out loud."

Hux rolled his eyes and pulled open the day's calendar on the computer. "I have another appointment in twenty minutes, Tech."

"So you won't eat lunch with me?" Techie pouted. 

"I _can't_ , I have appointments out the ass. I'll eat lunch with you this weekend."

"See if you can pencil your own flesh and blood in, why don't you." Techie's tone was wounded, but his smirk made it clear it was all show. "Phasma's been wanting to hang out with us, let's get lunch with her."

That was how the three of them ended up at Panera on Saturday, the busiest day and time they could have chosen; the booth they'd managed to snag had to have been divine intervention at play. Perhaps they were expecting Hux to seem snarly and downtrodden -- they'd both listened to the new They're Not Telling Us This (Episode 45: Do Cats Have Mind Control Capabilities?), as they'd later reveal -- but if anything, Hux seemed energized with a sort of furious mania. ("Like that Charlie Kelly meme, the Pepe Silva one," Techie suggested.) 

"So yeah, I got name-dropped again," Hux said. He kept holding up his bacon turkey bravo sandwich to his mouth but never taking a bite, too insistent on saying more. "Another _dramatic reading_ , which I knew he'd do, so I knew I'd have to double down on this one. It's like he never read any of the official documents on Monroe's death --"

"He did, he just said the coroner was under duress by the vampire mob," Techie cut in.

"Jesus fuck!" Hux exclaimed, so loud that the elderly couple at the next table gave him looks that could wither crops. "So you listened to the whole thing?"

"I mean, my friends and I listened to a lot of it, I've said that-"

"You said _they_ listened it."

"They like, got me into it..."

Phasma took the opportunity to steer the conversation back on track. "So he read your stuff again. You sent it to him, it's not like these are confidential conversations, even by his weird standards. Why not just stop emailing him?" 

"Because then he wins."

"He only wins because you decide he wins," Phasma argued, stabbing a forkful of mac and cheese. 

"That's the _only metric that matters_ ," Hux answered. "I don't care if he thinks _he_ wins, I just need to feel like I beat him."

"You need to feel like you beat a random podcaster who thinks cats are going to enslave humans?"

"He's not that random, he has a huge audience. Including you all, apparently."

"And you, this entire week," Techie piped up. 

"I'm doing research."

"Armitage, take a bite of that sandwich before I lose my entire mind," Phasma snapped. "I want you to promise me that you're going to do something today other than write emails to this guy. God, if I knew this was how you'd get over it, I wouldn't have sent you the link in the first place."

It was worth questioning, Hux thought as he finally started to eat. Why did he feel so invested in fighting with Kylo Ren? Part of it, and there was no denying this, that this project felt like a stress toy. He was working all day at the writing lab, spent three nights a week in classes for three hours at a time, was trying to get a graduate-level internship and trying to get that seminar. He was churning out papers more often than he wasn't. He was taking care of Techie, helping him with his own classes when he could. He lived entirely off iced coffee, snack wraps from McDonald's, Cutie oranges and those boxes of Thai noodles that you zap in the microwave. Before the podcast, he had mostly tried to relieve stress by riding his bike around the neighborhood, down the little trails at the local park. But it didn't help him feel any less worn out. Listening to this dipshit show and crafting responses felt like an unserious thing he could bitch about, instead of revealing how much he really wanted to complain about how tired and stressed out he was. 

Still, he managed to keep his promise to Phasma. He _did_ work on another email to send Kylo Ren, but he kept it in his drafts. He let Techie take him to Trader Joe's so they could buy some actual food, and he even left his phone at home to charge.Techie took the long way back once they had finished, and they rolled down the windows so they could enjoy the clean-smelling air way out on the wooded roads. Techie always drove like the car was stolen, but he seemed so happy to have Hux's company that Hux didn't mind this time, and even the way the paper bags rippled in the wind in the backseat seemed like a pleasant noise. 

What he was not expecting to return home to was an email from Kylo Ren.

He knew he should go help Techie put the food away, but he _had_ to see what this was about. Kylo Ren hadn't responded to him either of the first two times he had emailed, and for a moment he thought he had somehow sent him the unfinished draft about this cat episode. But no, this wasn't a reply, this was an original message.

**Kylo Ren** kyloren@tntut.com  
Dear Armitage,  
You're no doubt going to think I'm a lunatic for sending this (although I guess that's a moot point, since you already think I'm a lunatic anyway), but I was wondering something. Do you have a Twitter handle? I've been looking all over for you but I can't seem to find you. I promise I'm not asking for the purpose of stalking you or anything. 

Kylo Ren

 

Hux frowned. What on _Earth_ was this all about? He tapped out a response right away.

**Armitage Hux** ahux@imperial.edu  
No, I don't have a Twitter account. If you're not planning to stalk me, do you mind telling me why you need to know?  
-A.

 

This was true -- Hux didn't have a Twitter. Not that he'd want Kylo Ren to find it if he did. He had barely finished helping Techie unload the first paper bag when his phone pinged again with a new email.

 

**Kylo Ren** kyloren@tntut.com  
Okay, thanks. The reason I wanted to know is that I've gotten a fuckton of new subscribers since you started sending me your emails, and I assumed you've been rallying folks on Twitter to listen to it so they can hear your, uh, arguments. Anyway, I assume I'll hear from you soon, unless I dare believe that you actually agreed with me on today's episode -- a theory I can't even get behind.

Kylo Ren

 

Now this was something else. More people were flocking to the podcast because of _his_ emails? 

"It's more fun if it's a debate," Techie answered, when Hux told him about it. He was standing on his tiptoes, trying to fit a box of cereal up onto the highest shelf. "It's like, why conservative news stations bring in one single liberal or vice versa. So that everyone can watch the train wreck happen."

Hux wasn't particularly interested in being called a 'train wreck', but he had to admit that it seemed like Kylo Ren had some respect for what he was doing for the show, intentionally or not. "Now he's like, relying on an answer," Hux said as they folded up the paper bags to fit into the recycling bin. 

"That seems a bit self-important, Armie."

"He's the one who said he got way more subscribers!"

"Well, offer to be his co-host or something."

"Not likely." But he did have an email to finish up, and some research on cats to do. And maybe it'd be worth his while to start a Twitter one of these days, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all! I got such a lovely response to the first chapter and it fills me with all the happiness in the world. Time for chapter 2!
> 
> I've got this story set for 4 chapter for now, but that's very tentative. I'll adjust it as I got. I also have a fairly low rating and not many tags yet -- that'll change as well once our boys meet in real life (so, uh, spoilers). 
> 
> Now I want some Panera...


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux is keeping up his listening and communication with the podcast, and learns he has quite a few listeners of his own. This isn't going to become a friendship, right?

This wasn't supposed to become a _habit_ , Hux thought to himself as he drove home from class. Devoting time he was convinced that he didn't have to listening to the new episodes of Kylo Ren's show every Saturday, pretty much the moment they showed up on his podcast app. Devoting time researching the actual facts about whatever bullshit was spewing out of the Super Tuff headphones he'd bought (the discount code NOTTELLING had netted him thirty percent off, and he really had needed a new pair). Then devoting more time to writing his weekly rant and sending it off to Kylo Ren, and starting the whole process over again. Then devoting time, all throughout, to keeping his promise to Phasma and not obsessing over the damn thing and enjoying himself outside of his righteous fury. 

Truthfully, though, that facet of it had started to fade, and instead it felt like he and Kylo Ren were playing a game of ping-pong. He would not go as far as to say this crazy person on the internet was a friend of his, but there was an element of enjoyable competitiveness in their exchanges. He'd honestly been a lot meaner in his early emails than Kylo Ren had been in his responses, but somehow it seemed like there was an understanding that Hux didn't actually hope he fell into a coma like he'd said. 

"You need to watch that TED talk," Techie told him, when Hux got home and found a homemade quesadilla waiting for him. The Techie Special, which meant it was burned, but Hux devoured it anyway as he mentioned how much time he must have wasted on this podcast.

"What TED talk?"

"There's a lady who has this TED talk," Techie answered, waving some smoke away from his face as he bent over the stove. "About managing time, 'cause she's a professional time manager, and she says that we all think we don't have time to do stuff, except we do, and we basically pull those hours out of our ass if we don't think we have a choice, or if it's a priority in some way."

"Wow, I feel like I'm right there in the audience."

"Armie, I work with computers all day, nobody makes me do public speaking." The smoke alarm in the hall started to chirp, making them both jump, and Hux leapt up to open a window. "What I'm _saying_ ," Techie continued, his voice raised, "Is that being part of this podcast is a priority to you now. And so you find time. Before you heard it, you know, you'd have said you didn't have time for something like this because of school and work. But you did."

_Part of this podcast_ was telling. Hux hadn't gotten around to making his own Twitter account yet -- what would he even talk about? -- but he'd taken a peek at what people were saying on the They're Not Telling Us This Twitter. Every now and then he saw someone referring to 'that asshole who writes all those letters', but it seemed like most people were looking forward to hearing them, which gave Hux a weird feeling that the Grinch must have felt when he heard all the Whos singing down in Whoville.

_Armitage is my favorite character on this podcast._

_You better not have made those letters up yourself, Kylo! I'll scream if you were lying about him._

_(sees a couple arguing in the store) so which one of you is the Kylo and which one of you is the Armitage_

Techie had had to explain the meme behind that last one to him. 

Of course, most of the tweets coming and going from the They're Not Telling Us This Twitter weren't about him -- until Armitage got sick, courtesy of some dumb sophomore in the writing lab who refused to break his appointment even though he had the stomach flu. The virus was swift and merciless as poison, and twenty-four hours after the little shit had shown up with his English 102 essay and his contagious disease, Hux was down for the count. As much as he hated to call in sick, he knew he'd be no better than the student whose name he was now cursing if he didn't.

"I'll get you some chicken soup when I get out of class," Techie promised, shouldering his messenger bag as Hux shivered miserably under his blankets. "From the deli, not my own recipe, I promise. Even I can't fuck up heating up soup. Please text me if you need anything--?"

Nobody had seen Hux get sick in eons; he just didn't have a tendency to fall ill, which is why everyone was utterly babying him now. Phasma kept him company via Facebook messenger, and Techie sent regular Snapchats demanding to know if he'd died in his absence. 

_not dead yet, unfortunately_ , Hux responded, with an accompanying picture of his miserable face. 

For awhile he tried to simply sleep, but it wouldn't last. He kept staggering out of bed to get sick, so he finally quit fighting it and made himself a nest of bath towels on the floor so he could lie close to the toilet with some level of comfort. YouTube videos were a bust; his eyes hurt too badly to watch, so instead, without even thinking too hard about it, he switched to his podcast player app and put on an episode of They're Not Telling Us This. It wasn't like he'd come around to agreeing with any of the points. but he didn't have to listen to the words themselves. Instead, Hux just let Kylo Ren's voice wash over him, which had become as familiar to him as that of any friend's. Kylo Ren had a really lovely voice -- what a shame he didn't do, well, the actual news, or something useful with it-- but right now it was just so nice to have it on demand. The weirdest ASMR. Hux let out a weak laugh at the thought of it. But it was nice to think about something that wasn't how miserable he felt, or how he was going to have to wash all of these towels upon his recovery. Techie was going to have to dry off with a hand towel later.

He did manage to drift off, after a time, he must have, because suddenly Techie was standing over him, holding a pint of chicken soup and looking strangely tender. Hux guessed he must look pretty funny -- pretty pathetic -- with two towels on top of him and one wadded up under his head as a pillow, the podcast droning on from his phone, which was perched on the rim of the bathtub. "Feeling any better?" 

"I slept, I think."

"Okay, good. I don't think you want to eat in here, so if you want to come out and eat in the kitchen, I've got your soup. Panera, you deserve only the best..."

It took a little while for Hux to tear himself from the towel pile and sit up, but he finally did. Groaning, he gave a long stretch and then reached for his phone, silencing Kylo Ren midway through a breakdown on how pandas were being hunted to extinction because they possessed magical powers so he could check his emails. A few updates from classmates and coworkers on what he had missed. A coupon for a free Dunkin Donuts iced tea -- well, he could give that to Phasma. And an email from Kylo Ren himself, speak of the devil.

Hux rubbed his eyes thoroughly before opening the email, as bewildered as he was the first time he had reached out a few weeks back.

**Kylo Ren** kyloren@tntut.com  
Hi, Armitage. I hope this doesn't sound psychopathic or anything, but I'm going to record the next episode of the podcast tomorrow and I haven't heard from you. You've been fairly diligent about, shall we say, lambasting me, and I hope you're just on vacation or something. You have more fans than you may expect, and I'd hate to let them down. Not to guilt you or anything.

Cheers,  
Kylo Ren

 

Hux saw no harm in being honest, or maybe he was just too worn out to care.

**Armitage Hux** ahux@imperial.edu  
Sorry about the lack of lambasting. I got the stomach flu (either that, or the government is trying to murder me for revealing the truth, I'm sure you'd say) and I'm too ill to look up how wrong you are this week. The "fans" will just have to understand (seriously, are they going to really feel let down?). I'll make up for it next week.

-A. Hux

(Don't read this on the air, but I actually re-listened to the whole podcast today. Thanks for keeping me company.)

 

There was no guarantee that Kylo Ren would honor his wish, but he truly didn't give a fuck right now. It was time for soup, and rest, and more rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More, more! Poor Hux, let's hope he feels better soon, especially since he may be traveling soon. ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fans of They're Not Telling Us This missed Hux while he was sick -- and they're coming up with some plans for the podcast that involve Hux flying out to Kylo Ren's home studio.

The flu passed, just as Hux knew it would, within two days. By the time the weekend came around again, he was back in the saddle, still working himself to the bone, but with the glimmer of summer break coming up over the horizon, marked out in blue ink in his day planner. Just a couple weeks, no problem, right? 

This is what Hux told himself as he walked outside to hop on his bike, take a spin around the block. Summer, he'd take Techie to the big man-made lake where they used to go as kids. He'd go back to his old job at the cash register of the bookstore, the owner had already told him he could. He'd sleep, Jesus, he'd sleep for an entire day...Kind of like he did while he was ill, except he could really enjoy it. He swung his leg down to pause as a car went through the intersection. Come to think of it, his flu had afforded him time to finish the entire backlog of They're Not Telling Us This, though he had been snoozing through a lot of them, they'd require another listen...

Biking his usual amount was too much to ask so soon after his illness had wrung him out. He went a quarter of the distance he normally did, came home, and launched right into the new episode of the podcast while he changed into something less sweaty.

"So before we get into the matters at hand -- the fact that spontaneous human combustion is caused by high aliens or at the _very least_ , drunk aliens, something I'm very excited to discuss at length..." Kylo Ren began, once all of the ads were out of the way. "This is something I think I'll get a lot of messages about."

Hux had a _feeling_ , and he let this feeling rise over him like cold water, anticipating. Was Kylo Ren going to read that email he'd sent -- yes, he'd really sent it, it hadn't been a fever dream-- even though Hux had specifically asked him not to? He kicked off his shorts, bracing himself. 

"This is normally where I'd read the letter from Armitage, but, and you're not going to believe this, I didn't get one! So of course I had to investigate, like, did he get snatched up by the reptilians or what? But the answer was, sadly, mundane." There was a tiny pause. "Oh, don't worry, he's not _dead_ or anything, trust me. He was just sick. So I hope everyone sends him some get-well wishes on the They're Not Telling Us This Twitter feed, and I'm sure he'll go check and maybe even shout out to those nice fans in his next email..." Kylo Ren gave two very intentional coughs. "That's a hint, Armitage, all right?"

Well, Hux knew how to take a hint, no matter how much he felt like he was doing something because Kylo Ren told him to. It was the least he could do, since Kylo Ren had been such good company -- well, at least his voice had been -- and he seemed to be rallying his troops of Twitter weirdos for Hux's benefit. Sure enough, the retweets on the They're Not Telling Us This feed had been nothing short of astonishing. 

_Clearly someone is trying to take out Armitage! Investigate this next, Kylo!_

_No, it was Kylo himself, he's jealous that Armitage is the fan favorite._

_Not hearing an Armitage letter is such a bad omen for the coming week, ugh._

It was that Grinch feeling again. The Whos all singing, Hux's heart growing. More Tweets kept popping up, dogpiling on top of each other.

_Okay but when is Armitage going to be on the show?_

_Can he Skype in??_

_You know what would be even more fun? If he came to the studio so they could fight it out in person._

_Can we PLEASE make this happen?_

This last Tweet got 200 likes within an hour -- not that Hux was checking every minute or anything. More like every ten minutes. It took Hux aback somewhat, seeing how enthusiastically the fan base was taking this matter into their own hands, but it was enjoyable, too, like being on a carnival ride that made you laugh from how it jerked and swung. He didn't realize how seriously people were taking this idea until he got an email from Kylo Ren later that day, in response to that day's complaint letter about the spontaneous combustion episode. 

**Kylo Ren** kyloren@tntut.com  
Here's a question that will in no way freak you out, I'm sure. What's your nearest airport? I have a legion of people on Twitter asking me to fly you out to the Boston area so we can do a live episode together, and I don't expect you to do that out of your own pocket, unless you're secretly really rich, in which case you're welcome to. They want to put together a GoFundMe or something just to pay for your flight. This is gonna be JetBlue so don't expect much. You can stay in my guest room if you promise not to fuck up my recording equipment. Also feel free to say no, but I'm not going to eat you or anything. 

Cheers,  
Kylo Ren

 

Every time Kylo Ren emailed him, it seemed, Hux got a bigger and bigger surprise. Visit? Plane tickets? Guest room?

"This cannot be real," Hux said, showing Techie after reading it a couple of times to make sure that he hadn't misread somehow. "Fly me out there, for serious?"

"Well, summer break starts in like, three weeks," Techie said, shaking a bottle of mustard before spraying a disgusting amount onto the ham sandwich he was making. "Why not take a little vacation before you go back to the bookstore? Just a few days? And you don't even have to pay for anything!"

Phasma agreed. "You can't drag me through this whole obsession you've developed with the show and then _not_ take this opportunity," she told him when she came over later to watch a taped episode of Westworld with him and Techie. "Come on, now. Tell him you're going."

"I don't know if I should like -- take advantage of his followers like that."

"Look, they want to do it," she answered. "A JetBlue flight to where he is, how much would that actually be? Roundtrip?"

He shrugged. "Like, $300?"

"Not exactly a king's ransom. And he promised not to eat you."

"Yeah, well, apparently the fans riot when anything happens to me."

"Do you realize how you sound?"

"I didn't mean for this to happen!" Hux said, laughing. "God, all I wanted was to make someone think about these topics rationally for just one second. Not to get free flights." 

"I think he's playing down how much he wants this to happen," Phasma said. "He acts like he's totally at the mercy of his listeners. He just wants to bring you in and wring you dry."

"Maybe he thinks we're friends."

"You _are_ friends!" Techie piped up from the other end of the couch. "You guys talk all the time!"

"Okay but like...I think I'm probably a little too antagonistic for him to think that. Not that I'm wrong or anything."

"Well, you're antagonistic to all of your friends," Techie argued, prompting a snort from Phasma. "Why should he be any different?"

And so Hux found himself responding to the email in the following way:

**Armitage Hux** hux@imperial.edu  
Hello-- I'd be coming out of BWI, but I don't want anyone to feel like they're being forced to do this (though yes, I did check on Twitter, and the listeners seem a bit, shall I say, rabid. I'm done with school on May 14, and I start back at my summer job on the 21st, so I could do something in that week, maybe. Is that enough notice?

-A. Hux

 

The answer came within ten minutes.

 

**Kylo Ren** kyloren@tntut.com  
The stars have truly aligned, Armitage Hux. That's going to be the week I record my fifty-second episode -- one year of They're Not Telling Us This. It'll be the perfect way to celebrate, having you on board. If you're amenable, I'll go ahead and announce that we're raising the money on the next episode. I'll take care of it all, if those dates really are good for you. You in?

Cheers,  
Kylo Ren

 

Hux's own response was easy. _Yes._ He felt suddenly invigorated, as excited as all of those idle chatterers and planners on Twitter. At worst, he could slam out an hour of his time shouting at Kylo Ren about UFOs or whatever and then spend time looking around the Boston area -- he realized he had not known before the initial query where Kylo Ren actually lived. He'd have pegged it as Roswell, New Mexico, maybe, or maybe New Orleans. But Boston had magic and mystery and conspiracy enough, sure. National Treasure type shit, perhaps. Maybe he could suggest it as a topic. Then he caught himself thinking such thoughts, and laughed aloud.

 

Hux's flight left on a morning that was already hazy-hot and cloudy with pollen, which speckled the windshield of Techie's Subaru as they headed to the airport. Techie had helped him pack the night before, too -- acting like his big brother was headed to summer camp for the first time, fretting like a mother hen. "Well, take Tums, in case your stomach hurts or something," Techie advised, sitting on the edge of Hux's bed while Hux filled up the red plaid duffel bag with jeans and T-shirts. "And your phone charger. Don't forget that."

"I'm only going to be gone four days. And you're the one who wanted me to go so much."

"Well, I _do_ want you to go. And I'm glad you're going. Don't let him kill you and also don't kill him, okay?"

Hux put a hand to his heart. "I promise no homicide. Well. On my part." 

He packed a few books, some of the ones he'd bought for his rhetoric class last semester, to brush up for the eventual debate. A few granola bars for the plane, and his Super Tuff headphones so he could listen to music at the gate. After a great deal of deliberation, Hux decided to pack his mouth guard as well, figuring it was more likely than not that he’d need it. 

What he should have brought was allergy medicine, though. By the time Techie let him out at Departures, he was sneezing up a storm, and ended up overpaying for a tiny packet of pills at a newsstand. They offered the advantage of putting him to sleep nearly the moment he buckled his seatbelt, and as a result, it felt like only a few minutes had passed between takeoff and landing. By the time the jet bumped its way to a landing, Hux had been roused to a thick and gooey mostly-wakefulness, which was accelerated by the midmorning light now pouring in his window. He sent a quick text to Techie to let him know that he hadn't died yet, or killed anybody. Yet. 

Because of his foggy brain, it wasn't until Hux had made his way to the baggage claim -- he didn't have anything to pick up, he just had the one carry-on, but it felt right to move with traffic while he awaited further instruction -- that he realized he didn't actually know what Kylo Ren looked like. Nor did Kylo Ren know what he looked like, either. Neither of them had photos of themselves in their Gmail accounts, and the Twitter account that Kylo Ren used a picture of the podcast's logo, not Kylo Ren himself. He supposed Kylo Ren had probably looked for him on Facebook, the only social media site he used, but his own profile picture showed him with a group of fellow graduate students at a restaurant, and it wouldn't be immediately obvious which one was him. 

He shouldered the duffel bag and wandered towards the Starbucks towards the taxi exit, when he heard his own name called in that voice that was now as familiar to him as his own voice in his head. 

"Armitage?" 

The speaker was tall, tall even by Hux's standards. Young, with a face that was simultaneously rugged and boyish, model-piercing but soft, too -- a jumble of contradictions dressed in a plain black tee and a pair of jeans with a hole in one knee. His dark hair was loose around his shoulders, looking both perfectly tousled and entirely untouched by any brush or human hand. Contradictions, more contradictions. 

Hux made a sound like he was clearing his throat even though there was nothing to clear. 

"That's me." 

Kylo Ren -- yes, that was him, and that podcaster's voice couldn't have suited him better -- he smiled, and it was glorious, and there was a sudden lurch of an emotion that Hux refused to name in the inner workings of Hux's chest, like a carnival ride breaking down. Effortlessly, Kylo Ren grabbed Hux's bag and swung it over his own shoulder like it was nothing more than a loaf of bread. 

"Welcome to Logan International, Armitage. You ready to get out of here?" 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment we've all been waiting for -- Hux has arrived in Kylo Ren's studio, and there's a lot that needs to be said. And not just about Sasquatch-human hybrids.

"So how did you know that was me, anyway?" Hux asked as they sat in traffic outside of the airport, Kylo Ren drumming his fingertips on the steering wheel as he waited for an opportunity to scoot forward another two or three feet. He smiled at that question.

"Learning to be suspicious, are we?"

"Not of like, demons or aliens or whatever. Just of strangers picking me up at the airport."

Kylo Ren laughed. "Oh, we're going to have fun, aren't we? Believe me when I say it was a really lucky guess. I saw a young guy who was wandering around at the same time your flight landed -- which reminds me, I'll need to tweet that you're here, since they're the ones who paid your airfare."

"They really didn't have to do that," Hux said, amazed at how touched he felt for these strangers. "I still can't believe they did."

"It jumped out of my hands pretty quickly," Kylo Ren replied. "They really wanted you to be in the studio with me. I know you know this, but they planned it all, and it was all voluntary. Some of them even like you better than me."

Hux snorted. "Well, I can only assume some of your listeners listen for the same reasons I do."

"Yeah, but I don't have nearly as much fun talking to them."

Another sparkle of electricity shot up Hux's legs and into his stomach. For just a moment -- just that one moment -- he wondered how he was possibly going to argue with Kylo Ren properly for the sake of this debate when he was this _charmed_. Then Kylo Ren broke the spell by adding, "Some of my friends saw a UFO right around there when we were in high school," pointing out the window in an extremely general direction.

"That's....that's right by the airport," Hux said. "They literally saw a plane. At the airport."

"No, it was different," Kylo Ren insisted, though now Hux could see the look on his face for the first time, and there was something to his expression that made Hux really doubt for the first time that he actually, truly believed in all this. Hux, after all, was a very easy mark when it came to getting a reaction. "They saw something that moved completely differently from an airplane."

"A helicopter, then. Or they were smoking weed. Seeing things."

Kylo Ren just smiled. "Can you imagine how the fans would freak out if I convinced you to smoke weed?"

"Who says I haven't? I was nineteen once."

"And you're what, twenty-one now?"

"Twenty-five."

Kylo Ren gave a hum of acknowledgment, finally at a point in the traffic where he was able to get the car consistently moving instead of just creeping and stopping. "You've got one of those faces, you know, you could be any age. Eighteen or thirty." Seeing Hux's confused look, he added, "That's a good thing, don't worry. You've got a cute face."

Again, that paralyzing sparkle, that heart-growing sensation. _Oh, no, oh Christ._

Another twenty minutes on the road brought them to a neighborhood of townhomes and apartments that were on roads named after presidents. Jefferson, Buchanan, Washington, Franklin. Kylo Ren pulled into Kennedy Court and parked in front of a cluster of townhouses that all looked ridiculously _normal_. "Not the bunker I was expecting," Hux quipped as they got out of the car. 

"Once I can afford a bunker, don't think I won't get one."

Inside the townhouse were more surprises. Whatever Hux had been imagining about the space where Kylo Ren lived, this wasn't it. It was small but clean and fairly minimal, a lot of dark wood. A bowl of cherries sat on the spotlessly-clean island in the kitchen, and a few Polaroid photos of friends were stuck to the fridge with lobster-shaped magnets. The decor only feinted in the direction of 'conspiracy theorist' -- a map of the United States framed in gold hanging above the TV, with tiny stars indicating major UFO sightings, was the only clear suggestion that Kylo Ren indeed lived here. 

"So the guest room is also my recording space," Kylo Ren explained as he went to the fridge to get himself and Hux some water. "I'm gonna need you to _promise_ that you won't touch anything, any of the equipment."

"I promise, I promise."

"Really, this is maybe the thing I'm most paranoid about. And that's saying something." Kylo Ren's face was completely serious, for the first time since they'd met. "You swear?"

"I swear on a stack of science textbooks."

"Okay. I'll accept it, coming from you. Come on, I'll show you the space, and then we can go get some lunch."

Here, at least, was exactly what Hux was expecting. Neater than he was expecting -- not a single item out of place, it looked like the room was staged by a highly eccentric realtor, but stuffed with things that Hux had come to associate with They're Not Telling Us This -- bobbleheads of the Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black, a wooden carving of the Mothman with inlaid red cubic zirconia eyes, a Japanese beckoning cat made to look like Sasquatch, its gold coin replaced with a round sign that read 'Welcome to Oregon'. The bookshelf was lined with wackadoodle books like _Communion_ and _The Mothman Prophecies_ , and a framed poster for the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind dominated the wall across from the bed. Hux glanced at a photo on the bedside table -- Kylo Ren at a meet and greet with the hosts of the Last Podcast on the Left, for once not the tallest person in the room.

"This is more like it," he said as Kylo Ren dropped his duffel bag on the bed, displacing a pillow shaped like a Lisa Frank alien head. "This is where I pictured you spending your time."

"Well, I try to keep my passions contained to one space, you know?"

"Does your partner approve?" This was a bluff, and not a subtle one. Hux wanted to find out, immediately, if it was even worth being so charmed by this idiot. To his relief, though, Kylo Ren rolled his eyes sheepishly.

"I mean, between work and the podcast, I haven't really put myself out there all that much..."

"Well, you've been putting yourself out there with the podcast. Maybe you've got a listener who thinks you're cute." Hux couldn't believe how bold he had decided to be already -- he hadn't even unzipped his duffel bag! This had to be the remnants of the allergy medicine talking. But Kylo Ren's eyes flashed with something sharp and sweet, something that read, to Hux, like _Game on_.

"Maybe one who thinks I'm good company, huh?"

Oh, this was definitely going in his next text to Techie.

For a moment the two of them regarded each other in silence, amused but wanting, both of them too nervous to step out onto the thin ice between them, and then Hux finally spoke. "Get me some lunch," he commanded, and the serious expression on his face made Kylo Ren laugh. 

"Anything, for my guest."

* * *

Over the course of the next day, Hux learned a lot about Kylo Ren. For starters, his real name -- Ben. As he'd suspected, Kylo Ren was a stage name. "Can't have everyone knowing my identity," Kylo--Ben?--had joked when they went to a burger pub in a friendly little strip mall. "I've revealed too much."

"And surely the powers that be couldn't get on Twitter and figure things out," Hux retorted, stirring his Coke with his straw. "Or monitor our email conversations."

"I'm really starting to appreciate that you're thinking like me, Armitage. By the time we get to recording, we won't have anything to debate."

Kylo Ren, the podcast host, had always recorded alone before this anniversary episode. Ben, the guy, the regular person, worked in software sales and was a voracious consumer of other podcasts along with conspiracy and paranormal content in general. He was an excellent pitchman and had caught the interest of a few advertisers, who were allowing him to finally make a little money off They're Not Telling Us This. "Not enough to quit my jobs," Kylo Ren had explained. In addition to the software job, he also taught martial arts to kids a few nights a week. "But we're getting there."

"Jesus, how do you make time for it all?"

"You see now my dilemma in putting myself out there," Kylo Ren responded with a snort. It was funny, but sort of not, and it made Hux even more attracted to him, somehow. _I'm right here, see me, notice me, you put yourself all the way out to my podcast app, I'm..._

They lingered over lunch for a long time, Hux finding the conversation much easier to keep going than he had expected. While Kylo Ren enjoyed sprinkling references to the occult or whatever in his conversation, the topic didn't dominate the way Hux had expected it to, and when it happened, it always felt like it was with a wink and a nod, making Hux once again wonder if he'd been had.

_Does he believe in ANY of this?_

Though of course if Hux hadn't taken it so seriously himself, he wouldn't be here. He thought about this for a long time as he lay in the guest bed that night, staring at the Close Encounters poster. Contact. Being taken aboard a craft. Plucked out of the life you knew and brought somewhere else, forever changed by who you've met...

* * *

"Hi, everyone, thanks again for listening. Today's episode is sponsored by QuickDin -- as you're about to hear, I've got company, and QuickDin was perfect for making us both something to eat for dinner. He never believes what I have to say anyway, but he really couldn't believe how easy it was to make this chicken marsala recipe..."

Hux couldn't help but grin at that one. Sitting at the desk with Kylo Ren by the second microphone, he marveled at how in his element Kylo Ren appeared to be. Well, he'd had a whole year of practice. True to his word, he hadn't touched a thing until he'd been invited to put the headphones on, and then even accepted Kylo Ren's offer to take his picture to put on the Twitter, as proof that he had indeed come to record an episode. He sat waiting to be asked to speak, the rhetoric textbook in his lap, sure to be useless. 

"So it's a big day," Kylo Ren continued. "A whole year of They're Not Telling Us This! You guys, you're the ones who have made it possible to shine this flashlight out into the darkness and reveal God knows what. And you're also the ones who made it possible for the aforementioned guest to be here with me, so let's get to the introductions. You want to introduce yourself?"

"Hi," Hux said into the microphone, suddenly unsure, and Kylo Ren nodded encouragingly. "I'm Armitage -- and you guys have a heard a lot of me, since my letters always get read on the air, like, for a while now. I've been informed that I'm an essential part of the show now, and uh, I really appreciate getting to come out here and do this in person. It was really nice."

"Well, I'm glad to have you here too," Kylo Ren answered, and his smile was so - Jesus, so gorgeous. "Folks, I didn't actually _tell_ him ahead of time what today's topic was, so this is going to be especially fun for everyone, I think. Today, we're covering human-cryptid hybrids."

"Oh, Christ."

"We're off to a good start, everybody."

The rage that Hux had felt the very first time he'd listened to that Elvis episode was nothing like that bright, agreeable anger that he felt now, debating Kylo Ren over whether or not Bigfoot sperm was viable in humans. "It's a Sasquatch, please, let's use the correct term," Kylo Ren chided, except nobody could see that they were both grinning, and suddenly it felt just like those people on Twitter had been speculating all along, that Hux was part of this show by design, a scripted character created to make things more fun. 

"Okay, a _Sasquatch_ is not going to have viable sperm."

"Well, it will if it's as closely related to humans as we suspect it would be."

"But we're almost genetically identical to chimps and we can't mate with them."

"But we're not talking about chimps, Armitage, we're talking about Sasquatches, and who's to say that they're not another breed of homo sapiens? You could mate a wolf and a dog."

"We're not talking about wolves and dogs either! We're talking about imaginary things and real things!"

"Imaginary? Now, let's take a minute to review the testimony of message board user ForestFairyFriend, who was impregnated by a Sasquatch in 2015--"

" _Message boards are not evidence, oh my G-_ "

"--and who carried the child to term, but the father stole it back to be with their kind shortly after the birth--"

"Oh, yeah, Bigfoot custody battle, right."

The prospect of recording a whole episode had been a bit daunting to Hux, but as soon as Ren started doing his normal wrap-up routine, it occurred to him how much time had actually passed since they'd started. It felt like nothing at all -- even though it had been close to two hours.

"I'll edit it down into something a little bit more reasonable," Kylo Ren told him, pulling off his own headphones, and Hux followed suit. "That's how I usually spend my time off, getting things edited."

"You do all of the editing yourself?" 

"Don't trust anyone else to do it, you know?"

The look on Kylo Ren's face was so utterly impish that Hux had to laugh. "Of course you don't," he said. "Ask anyone else to do it and they'll make off with all of your valuable information, no doubt to destroy it."

"You've gotta be careful out there. Though it was nice having someone else in here for a change."

"Yeah? I guess it's lonely work, being the only person who's ever right."

"You'll see things my way, one of these days."

Again, there was something ferociously tense there between them, and now that the actual task that Hux had come to do was behind them, now that everything was saved and turned off and done, there were other avenues to go down, and Hux felt a stabbing sureness in his heart that they would go down the avenue that he was hoping for. Maybe -- hopefully not -- it was the talk about weird cryptid sperm, or maybe it was just being so close, but whatever it was, it was potent and real and working.

"Thank you for letting do all of this with you," Hux murmured, which was easier to say than _I do see things your way_ , and leaned closer in the most trusting way that he knew how, and that was all it took. 

Just like jumping into the recording itself, falling into that kiss was ridiculously easy, and a new conspiracy hatched in Hux's brain as Kylo Ren put on hand on Hux's shoulder, one on the back of his head to get a handful of hair. _He wanted this all along, he wanted that contact..._ Close encounters of the absolutely best kind, and Techie and Phasma were more likely to believe that Hux had been scooped out of the sky by extraterrestrials than that he had fallen so hard for the host he'd bitched about so much. Unless they'd suspected all along too.

"You want to know something?" Kylo Ren murmured to him, after he finally managed to pull himself away. "You kept me company too, a lot more than any one person. I keep myself so busy and you -- were so consistent. You are."

"I was telling you that you were an idiot."

"I am, usually. But I like your emails."

"I'll keep sending them. Every week." Not exactly The Notebook, but it seemed important to say, to promise this. 

"You like me a lot?"

"A lot. I--god, what a stupid meet-cute story, right? Me harassing you for weeks over your dumb conspiracy theories."

"They're all true. But I always suspected you were sending them because you liked me. Nobody ever told me I was a comfort to them."

"You are." Hux took a breath, then placed it all on the table. If his bluff didn't work out this time, well, he'd be on a plane soon enough, and he could forget he'd ever dared to be bold. "The--the bed is right there, if you--"

He didn't even have time to finish his sentence, because he was being scooped up as if by a tractor beam, tossed right down the way Kylo Ren had tossed his duffel bag the day before. "Just--fuck, Armitage, you tell me if you're not game or anything, but like -- I saw you at the airport and I couldn't believe --"

"What? Really?" Hux hadn't expected that to go both ways at all, but Kylo Ren's enthusiasm in taking him up on his offer said otherwise. "I saw _you_ at the airport and nearly passed out, you're so fucking good-looking--"

"Oh, come on," Kylo Ren snorted, kissing Hux's neck.

"Am I going to have to fight you on this too?"

"One hundred percent."

"You're gorgeous, and you're not convincing me otherwise."

Kylo Ren's hand was on Hux's belly now, his fingers curled around the button of his jeans, waiting to pull. "This is what you meant when you said that, right?" he rasped. "About the bed--?"

"Christ almighty," Hux answered, pulling the button free himself, feeling rather more experienced and worldly all of a sudden. How to explain that he felt like they were so very much the same -- absorbed in work, hoping to accidentally stumble into some kind of human closeness, and then not recognizing it too well when it actually happened? He unzipped himself next, shimmied free of the pants, giving Kylo Ren a good look at how aroused he was. "That's exactly what I meant, I want -- god, I want _you_."

Ren knocked the picture of himself meeting his podcast idols over as he tried to steady himself, overshot, landing his hand on the bedside table instead of the bed itself, but he didn't mind much -- it didn't sound like anything broke. "You're serious," he gasped.

"Aren't I always?"

"Too serious," Kylo Ren told him before swallowing him up with another kiss. "What do you--?"

"We don't have to fuck."

"We can."

"We can do whatever, I just want to be touching you--"

Was it fucking, exactly, what they ended up doing? Their impatience and hunger, the fact that weeks of correspondence had exploded so fast and bright between them, prevented anything particularly prolonged from happening. It was impossible to draw anything out this way, and it wasn't particularly romantic -- though that wasn't a bad thing at all. It was, Hux thought, somewhere hazy and distant, behind the veil of need, kind of a relief. That he wasn't projecting, that Kylo Ren did want him badly enough to dry-hump him like they were blockhead teenagers experimenting for the first time. Expert fumbling. No pretensions, not a minute to spare to worry about how he looked or sounded. "You're going to make me come in my underwear, Armitage, god damn," Kylo Ren snarled sweetly in his ear, and that alone nearly made Hux do the very same. He had packed plenty of spares. If Kylo Ren wanted to defile him, that was perfectly all right with him. 

"You're so fucking hot," Hux told him, grinding up on him as hard as he could from underneath, knowing he sounded like he was writing porn dialogue but it was so true, what had ever been truer? What did it matter that he sounded like a broken record. "We need to do this again before I go--"

"Jesus, yes, we've got time for more--"

"Keep going, keep--"

Being tangled up with this strange person who was hardly a stranger, anymore. Someone who thought he was so sexy, even when he was a pain in the ass, brushing the hair out of his eyes so he could better see him. Easiest thing in the world.

* * *

The anniversary episode of They're Not Telling Us This wasn't released until after Hux had returned from Boston. Hux listened to it as soon as he biked home from the bookstore, weirdly thrilled even though he knew everything that would be said and done on this episode. The time felt right to finally make a Twitter -- he texted Kylo Ren, having finally moved past emailing him, to let him know he'd made it, so that there was no suspicion of interlopers who had stolen Hux's identity. The first account he followed, of course, was They're Not Telling Us This, and the most recent post on the account read:

**They're Not Telling Us This** @theyrenottellingusthis .- 47m  
Happy one year anniversary, listeners! You demanded it, and you made it happen -- your friend Armitage is my featured guest on episode 52.

Beneath the caption, the photo that Kylo Ren had taken of Hux at the recording desk. It was a pretty flattering picture, despite the fact that Kylo Ren had added some surprised-face emojis to it before posting it to the Twitter. Hux had heard somewhere that subjects of photos looked better when someone they cared about was taking their picture, because they looked into the lens with love. Maybe that was true. 

The responses were as adoring as Hux had secretly hoped they would be.

_Oh my GOD, he's real, you didn't make him up! <3333333 _

_I'm so excited!_

_UHH you didn't tell us he was so cute?? TF?_

_You really gotta keep him there, Kylo!_

It would have been nice to stay in Boston, of course. They'd screwed around in the guest room some more -- less sloppy this time, more precise and focused,but just as thrilling. They'd done other things, too. They'd gone to Dunkin Donuts for coffee, and Kylo Ren had driven him around Boston, pointing out various historical and supposedly occult spots, where Ben Franklin had supposedly been initiated into a sex cult or something like that. "Haven't been to Salem since I was a kid," he added. "That'd be fun to bring you to. We could even do something for the podcast about it."

"I'm game," Hux told him. With his sunglasses and iced coffee, riding in the passnger's seat, he felt rather like a celebrity, being personally introduced to a new city. "Your fans don't have to fly me this time. It's a kind of long drive, but not unbearable."

"I'll have to come down to Baltimore, too. Meet your brother. See the monsters that swim in that harbor of yours."

"Nothing survives in that harbor. Not even monsters." Kylo Ren laughed at that as he pulled to a stop at a red light, 

"Well, then, you'll have to show me something else."

"I'll show you anything you'd like." Before the light had a chance to turn green again, Hux leaned in and kissed him on the mouth, delighted with himself, with the plans they were laying.

Now, back home, he was waiting for Kylo Ren to get back to him as far as the next time he could get a few days off. Techie was beside himself, had started cleaning in a frenzy as if it would be hours instead of weeks that Kylo Ren would be visiting. He'd had to talk him down as best as he could, but it was hard to stop laughing. 

The tweets kept coming.

_Okay, I have a theory-what if they were in love and they used the podcast as an excuse to meet?_

_You can't just decide that people are in love, @MenInBlackAreHere_

_Come on, look at them._

Hux had never been too good at hiding his feelings, and now -- well, look at them indeed. Look at him, with the headphones over his ears, looking at Kylo Ren as he took the photo, waiting to start the debate, and waiting to start a hundred other things. The literal very picture of a man entranced, even if he was trying to force a smirk, so everyone would know just how much he did not believe in conspiratorial nonsense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! It's finished! I have just been dizzied with the support and love and kind words that people have been throwing my way with regards to this story. Let this be a lesson to all of y'all -- even your shitposts can become a totally sappy fluff story that's five chapters long and full of the feelings. I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing!
> 
> (Ps - if you'd like to listen to some of the podcasts that served as inspiration for They're Not Telling Us This, some of the best ones are Last Podcast on the Left (extremely NSFW) and Astonishing Legends (much more SFW but fairly creepy!). Oh No, Ross and Carrie! is also one of my favorites - a skeptical/debunker podcast that Hux would probably make if he had gotten into the podcast game first.)

**Author's Note:**

> I owe this story FULLY to the participants of [ this ](http://theweddingofthefoxes.tumblr.com/post/173523165980/ridiculous-kylux-au-battle) Tumblr post that inspired me to come up with the totally goofy idea that I then absolutely had to write. Thank you, Kylux fandom, for being so wild. You give me such strength.


End file.
